thinking too much

I'm dumb and ugly and stupid and lazy/ Why do I even pretend like I'm better than anyone else? I'm nothing. All I do is say dumb shit and get in everyone else's way. Of course no one cares about me. Honestly, the world is better off without me. Everything fucking sucks. That's essentially the mood for about the last couple years of my life. Everything fucking sucks. I should honestly kill myself but I can't even do that much. I can't wait to move out so I can wallow in self-pity by myself. Life sucks. When will I stop being dumb and ugly? There is no value to my life whatsoever. I'm so boring and fake. No one truly knows me at all. I hate it when people think they know me and make all these assumptions. Like what the fuck makes you think that you really understand me? I am a fake. No one knows the real me. You make know what I like and dislike, what my favorite colors are, but no one knows what really goes on in my head. This is stupid. There...

Making this post to try and distract me from the stiff that is going on in my life so here goes. *Disclaimer: it's kind of depressing, not going to lie. I also get weirdly into ~aesthetic analysis~  and it's kind of cringy. But you know what? I'm young so it's ok to be cringy and ramble on about things that don't really matter. In case you all are wondering (which you are not because nobody reads this blog), I get all of these pictures from the Vaporwave Wallpapers app on android. I love, love, love the 90s anime/manga aesthetic. I love how soft the jawlines are (more recent anime characters all have pointy chins) and the eyes. I love how the male characters look, too. Tuxedo Mask from Sailor Moon was my first husband.  I like these pictures in particular because the colors are so muted and the shapes are so soft and these pictures of cute anime couples make me wanna get a boyfriend lol. As if anyone would actually want to date me. I have a deep app...

On new years eve, I had so much confidence in the year 2019. I said to myself, "2019 is my year. I can feel it". I said to my family, "2019 is our year. It's going to be great!" Well then tell me how we have already gotten into 2 car accidents, my brother was hit me a freaking car, and multiple of my mother's friends and colleges died, including one that my mom considered as a sister.  Nothing breaks my heart more than seeing my mom cry. And I have seen her cry so much already. IT'S ONLY MARCH!!! Just when my family thinks that we're in the clear, something else happens. I hate this year and want it to be over already. I hate everything. I wish I didn't have to leave my house, I wish I didn't have to go to school, I wish I didn't have to talk to anyone. I genuinely and truly hate everything. As I held my mother, she cried out to God. "Help us" "Just give us a break" "Please...

It was super depressing. But you know what? That's how I feel and it's not like anyone is reading this anyway. Although I wish someone did, even if it's just one person. I'm still on the hunt for internet friends, I'm pretty nice and friendly online. For a change of pace, I'm going to write about fun things that happened and things that make me happyish. I'm not a sack of depression  all the time. I really like watching and talking about anime. My favorite one right now is Banana Fish . I really like it. (I rant about it sometimes on Disqus  so you can check out my comments on it there) I would give it a solid 10 out of 10. I can't think of a single bad thing to say about it. I really like the art style, too. I also recently binge-watched this show called Dragon Pilot: Hisone and Masotan . This one's really good too but the ending was a little lacking for me. I still really loved it and it was genuinely entertaining. The art style is freaki...

Honestly. Like I'm so ugly. Ok so I've been gone for a hot minute so let me just update real fast: I got a boyfriend yayy We broke up after, like, a month I'm spiraling deeper into a crippling depression I literally hate myself/I'm ugly/Body dysmorphia? I want to start a youtube channel Family issues :( School fucking sucks I'll just go through these bullet points point by point... I got a boyfriend There was this guy I was kinda basically friends with and one day we started talking and we found out that we have a lot (and I mean a lot) in common. Then I told him that I liked him, which was super spontaneous and spur-of-the-moment. The thing was, I kinda liked him for a while but I stopped on account of my self-diagnosed body dysmorphia (I do this thing where I convince myself out of liking someone because I think that are way out of my league and I'm too ugly for them.....which is good and fun and fresh). But at that moment I felt that I rea...

So if you have ever tried making a blog on blogger, you notice when you try to enter a domain name for your blog, 8 times out of ten, it's taken. And it's always the words that are strange and obscure names for a blog. Like who would name their blog llama.blogspot.com ? So I just started trying out simple and common words and adding ".blogspot.com" at the end to see what kinds of blog I would find. A lot of them don't have any posts or were taken down, but there are some hidden gems here and there. I've also noticed that the vast majority of blogs I found were created in the early 2000s (some before I was even born). These are some of my favorites: nice.blogspot.com hello.blogspot.com pink.blogspot.com bored.blogspot.com emo.blogspot.com Reading these blogs was kinda weird because it was kind of like I was spying on someone's life story. It was kinda fascinating to be perfectly honest. I wonder if Tyler (he was the author of emo.blogspot....

I have a Tumblr:  https://crxzychxck.tumblr.com/  I post anime and steven universe and vaporwave stuff on there it's not really interesting but neither is this blog to be honest, I don't really expect anyone to be reading this so I guess I can just say whatever i want: I always think about what it'd be like if I ever got a boyfriend. I really don't understand boys, but upon further investigation, I've found that I don't really understand anything or anyone. I'm scared of everything--or maybe I'm just curious? See, I don't even understand myself. I have a sibling, and I would always make fun of him for thinking too much. To me, thinking too much is one of the most dangerous things a person could do. Thinking too much is what leads to anxiety and depression and suicide. That's why I try to surround myself with other people, I think. But then the social anxiety kicks in. I'm like a melting pot of mental illnesses. I have a little ...