I'm literally so ugly and I fucking hate myself // UPDATE

Honestly. Like I'm so ugly.

Ok so I've been gone for a hot minute so let me just update real fast:

  • I got a boyfriend yayy
  • We broke up after, like, a month
  • I'm spiraling deeper into a crippling depression
  • I literally hate myself/I'm ugly/Body dysmorphia?
  • I want to start a youtube channel
  • Family issues :(
  • School fucking sucks
I'll just go through these bullet points point by point...

I got a boyfriend

There was this guy I was kinda basically friends with and one day we started talking and we found out that we have a lot (and I mean a lot) in common. Then I told him that I liked him, which was super spontaneous and spur-of-the-moment. The thing was, I kinda liked him for a while but I stopped on account of my self-diagnosed body dysmorphia (I do this thing where I convince myself out of liking someone because I think that are way out of my league and I'm too ugly for them.....which is good and fun and fresh). But at that moment I felt that I really had a chance so I rekindled my feelings for him and confessed. And he said he liked me too!!! This was honestly one of the most exciting/happiest days of my entire life.

We broke up

Problem is, I am awkward as hell and don't know how to function in a relationship. Honestly, the relationship probably ended in about a week in when we stopped texting because I was too busy and too lazy tbh. But we milked it out for like, another month. I got moodier and crankier (the spiraling depression) and I pretty much stopped liking him. I think we both kinda sensed that this wasn't going to work out so I wasn't too surprised when he dumped me. Well, "dumped" is kinda harsh, but we agreed to just be friends. Or whatever. I haven't really talked to him since then. I'm glad we broke up, but I was definitely s h o o k when it happened. I've done a lot of reflecting.

Depression

I probably don't actually have depression (I say this because I hate it when other kids self-diagnose themselves with depression or bipolar disorder when they're really just moody teenagers) but I've been having a lot of consecutively bad days. I feel like crying all the time and I hate going to school. I also have suicidal thoughts at least twice a day. IDK. Right now I feel like I'm just floating through a meaningless life just waiting for the day I pluck up the courage to finally just kill myself. I love my friends, though. But its gotten to the point where not even my friends can give me the motivation to keep striving to live and do better. I just end up comparing myself to them, and it's not even jealousy it's just me accepting the fact that I'll never be as good as them.

Self-Hatred

Ugggg I literally hate myself so much. I wish I could die and be reborn as another person. I hate the way I look and act and the way I subconsciously judge people forgetting the train wreck that is my life. It's gotten to the point that whenever bad things happen to me, I don't even bother to get upset. I'm a trash human being and I deserve whatever bad shit happens to me. I'm such a fatass too. It is literally ridiculous. I'm like, 70, 80, pounds overweight. And I'm not even pretty either. I have to wear makeup all the time and I even sleep in it. I high-key look like a sack of potatoes. I could ramble on and on about how much I hate myself but I don't want to make the post even more depressing than it already is... (As if that's possible lol)

YouTube channel?

I kinda just want to drop out of high school and start a youtube channel. Which sounds ridiculous considering all the depressing shit I just said but wouldn't that be fun? Honestly, it feels like I'm just looking for something to live for.

Family issues

Oh my gosh don't even get me started. This is a topic for another day.

Sch00l suck$

We already know this. I might write about this in a different post. My school journey isn't that interesting but it contributes to most  all of my stress so I have a lot to say about it.

***

Wow, that was fun. Stay tuned for more emo depressed shit. Also, I'm super sick so that's great.

~~~
SONGS I'M LISTENING TO:

Hold my liquor - Kanye West 

Monster - Kanye West

Sweatpants - Childish Gambino
~~~



Anyway I hope ya'll had a gr8 thanksgiving

Comments

  1. one.crazy.chickDecember 31, 2019 at 8:22 PM

    Wow. Reading this over a yeat later and let me just say, I am laughing and crying. I honestly didn't know what half of thise triggering words actually meant back then (depression, suicide, body dysmorphia)and I threw them around carelessly, which makes me laugh. But whenever I post on the blog, I alway write exactly what I am feeling. Reading this again made my stomach hurt that I actually felt all of these things. I feel bad for past me.

    But so much has happened in the past year, and I'm glad I'm now strong enough to keep going and not feel these things anymore. I think my entire state of mind changed. Not everything is about me, and sometimes you have to do things you don't want to do, or keep your mouth shut when you want to talk back, but in the end, thinking before you act is only going to benefit you. At least that's what I've learned.

    ReplyDelete

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