When will I stop being dumb and ugly?

I'm dumb and ugly and stupid and lazy/ Why do I even pretend like I'm better than anyone else? I'm nothing. All I do is say dumb shit and get in everyone else's way. Of course no one cares about me. Honestly, the world is better off without me. Everything fucking sucks.

That's essentially the mood for about the last couple years of my life.

Everything fucking sucks. I should honestly kill myself but I can't even do that much. I can't wait to move out so I can wallow in self-pity by myself. Life sucks.

When will I stop being dumb and ugly? There is no value to my life whatsoever. I'm so boring and fake.

No one truly knows me at all. I hate it when people think they know me and make all these assumptions. Like what the fuck makes you think that you really understand me? I am a fake. No one knows the real me. You make know what I like and dislike, what my favorite colors are, but no one knows what really goes on in my head.

This is stupid. There's a side of me who is lonely and depressed, and there is another side who is angry and depressed, and it's all just stupid. Can I be a normal person for once? Who isn't fat and ugly and hides behind makeup? This is exhausting.

And I don't even have a real excuse. I'm just looking for attention like I always fucking do. All the fucking time. And I can't stop. When will I be a real person who does things because she wants to and not because she wants to look good in front of other people? This is why I physically cannot leave the house without makeup on.

This is ridiculous. I'm being such a baby. None of these problems are real. I need to suck it up and stop crying.

I DON'T FUCKING CARE ANYMORE

~~~A love story~~~

Comments

  1. one.crazy.chickDecember 31, 2019 at 8:29 PM

    I can't believe I only write this 7 months ago. It's scary. It reads like a suicide note. If anyone out there reads this with concern, I would *never ever* do that to myself and I'm doing pretty well now (in comparison). Maybe I was depressed? I went to some counselling sessions a couple months ago and I suspect that it may have helped change the way I think.

    Nowadays, any mental struggle comes from stress from school and applying to college, which I think is pretty normal for a high school student. It's so weird to read this stuff again. I wonder if 7 months from now I'll read this comment and be shocked like how I was reading tis post?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. one.crazy.chickOctober 6, 2021 at 4:38 AM

      update im v suicidal and on meds and possibly dropping out of school to go to a mental hospital lmao

      Delete

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