thinking too much

It feels like everything is falling apart and at this point, I care less and less. I'm just living my life. Summer break is only a little over a month away and I can't wait. I still have to struggle through the rest of the year, which sucks, but I don't really have a choice so I really can't complain about it.

I haven't updated in forever omg. I wonder if anyone is going to ever going to read this? I'm writing this on New Year's Eve, 2019 and I can hear my neighbors' fireworks outside my window (though it's only 9). I just watched a documentary series thingy on Netflix called "Don't F**k With Cats" and it got me thinking about just how wild the internet is. It's a whole nother world, which is fascinating to me. I kind of wish someone would read this someday. I was looking at some of my other posts and I'm so cringy but whatever. I'm young and I have a right to be weird and dumb sooo... Anyway, happy new year! It's going to be 2020 (the year I graduate! :) )

I kind of really wish people actually read my blog. Like yeah it's kind of all over the place and slightly concerning, but it would be nice to think that someone's reading this and enjoying my shitty writing. If you actually read this blog comment to email me at liedowntrynottocrycryalot@gmail.com . Anyway, I've been watching more Netflix since summer break started (like, 3 days ago) and I watched this movie that I really enjoyed. It is called Super Dark Times and it's a thriller. I really enjoyed it. I don't want to rewrite the synopsis so you can read about it here . SP0ILER ALERT! I'm really attracted to that Josh character even though he's a serial killer at the end of the movie. I thought it was fucked up of him to almost kill his best friend who still cared deeply about him, but I still think he was cute. I think the Zach dude was cute too and his mom in the movie is so sweet. The actors in this movie did an amazing job in my opinion and this i...

I'm dumb and ugly and stupid and lazy/ Why do I even pretend like I'm better than anyone else? I'm nothing. All I do is say dumb shit and get in everyone else's way. Of course no one cares about me. Honestly, the world is better off without me. Everything fucking sucks. That's essentially the mood for about the last couple years of my life. Everything fucking sucks. I should honestly kill myself but I can't even do that much. I can't wait to move out so I can wallow in self-pity by myself. Life sucks. When will I stop being dumb and ugly? There is no value to my life whatsoever. I'm so boring and fake. No one truly knows me at all. I hate it when people think they know me and make all these assumptions. Like what the fuck makes you think that you really understand me? I am a fake. No one knows the real me. You make know what I like and dislike, what my favorite colors are, but no one knows what really goes on in my head. This is stupid. There...

Making this post to try and distract me from the stiff that is going on in my life so here goes. *Disclaimer: it's kind of depressing, not going to lie. I also get weirdly into ~aesthetic analysis~  and it's kind of cringy. But you know what? I'm young so it's ok to be cringy and ramble on about things that don't really matter. In case you all are wondering (which you are not because nobody reads this blog), I get all of these pictures from the Vaporwave Wallpapers app on android. I love, love, love the 90s anime/manga aesthetic. I love how soft the jawlines are (more recent anime characters all have pointy chins) and the eyes. I love how the male characters look, too. Tuxedo Mask from Sailor Moon was my first husband.  I like these pictures in particular because the colors are so muted and the shapes are so soft and these pictures of cute anime couples make me wanna get a boyfriend lol. As if anyone would actually want to date me. I have a deep app...

On new years eve, I had so much confidence in the year 2019. I said to myself, "2019 is my year. I can feel it". I said to my family, "2019 is our year. It's going to be great!" Well then tell me how we have already gotten into 2 car accidents, my brother was hit me a freaking car, and multiple of my mother's friends and colleges died, including one that my mom considered as a sister.  Nothing breaks my heart more than seeing my mom cry. And I have seen her cry so much already. IT'S ONLY MARCH!!! Just when my family thinks that we're in the clear, something else happens. I hate this year and want it to be over already. I hate everything. I wish I didn't have to leave my house, I wish I didn't have to go to school, I wish I didn't have to talk to anyone. I genuinely and truly hate everything. As I held my mother, she cried out to God. "Help us" "Just give us a break" "Please...

It was super depressing. But you know what? That's how I feel and it's not like anyone is reading this anyway. Although I wish someone did, even if it's just one person. I'm still on the hunt for internet friends, I'm pretty nice and friendly online. For a change of pace, I'm going to write about fun things that happened and things that make me happyish. I'm not a sack of depression  all the time. I really like watching and talking about anime. My favorite one right now is Banana Fish . I really like it. (I rant about it sometimes on Disqus  so you can check out my comments on it there) I would give it a solid 10 out of 10. I can't think of a single bad thing to say about it. I really like the art style, too. I also recently binge-watched this show called Dragon Pilot: Hisone and Masotan . This one's really good too but the ending was a little lacking for me. I still really loved it and it was genuinely entertaining. The art style is freaki...