thinking too much

I want to say that I'm doing better because technically, I am. I'm in college, I'm making money at work, and I'm getting good grades so far. A lot has happened in the past year, and I feel like a completely different person than before. But today, I remembered this blog and all the angsty dramatic things I posted for all the world to see, and I wonder if I have truly changed or if I have completely morphed into the person described in these blog posts? I used to be excellent at playing it off. At lying to myself. And don't get me wrong, I'm still great at both of those things. But I've been putting in less and less effort. Things make less and less of a difference to me. I don't think I want to die at this very moment, but I cannot picture myself at an age advanced in years. I'm more scared for the future than I have ever been. I think it's because I've seen how easy it is to completely fuck up everything. And the whole time, I was telling my...

  Self portrait I'm going to actually kill myself one of these days. I fucking hate it here. I don't have a future. I'm living until I die. I want to go home.

Hi everyone! It just occurred to me that I should link Myanimelist here. Feel free to friend me/message me on there; I accept all requests. Here it is:  https://myanimelist.net/profile/internet_shoujo You can look at all the anime I've watched! I only update it after I've completed a series.  I used to be strictly shoujo, but most of the anime I watch are shounen and seinen animes. Some animes I've just finished are Devilman: Crybaby, Neon Genesis Evangelion, and B: The Beginning. Devilman: Crybaby Review There's got to be something about putting a colon in the title of anime that makes it really good. Or maybe it's the other way around; colons are only in the titles of good anime. Devilman: Crybaby was really intriguing and I liked the concept, even though it felt a little done-before. Ryo was my favorite character. I loved his character design and his genius personality. I liked Akira too, but a part of me hoped that he would revert back to his norma...

It's the spring of 2020, and you all know what that means. School is online, I'm about a month into quarantine. Prom was canceled, so last week I bought supplies and decorated my living room and threw my own prom and took pictures. I don't really know how graduation's going to happen though... Update: I didn't finish writing and now it's two months later lol. I was reading some of my old posts and realized that I should have put a trigger warning on some of them. I used to not think that trigger warnings benefit anyone, but now that I experienced some ~trauma~ for myself, I appreciate them. It's just nice to be prepared for those kinds of things. //TW// My triggers are based on the trauma I got from a certain family member of mine. I hate anything that has to do with su!cide. I watched the movie All the Bright Places, and I hated it because of the ending (spoiler alert lol). I just have a lot of feelings regarding the topic. On one hand, I completely un...

It feels like everything is falling apart and at this point, I care less and less. I'm just living my life. Summer break is only a little over a month away and I can't wait. I still have to struggle through the rest of the year, which sucks, but I don't really have a choice so I really can't complain about it.

I haven't updated in forever omg. I wonder if anyone is going to ever going to read this? I'm writing this on New Year's Eve, 2019 and I can hear my neighbors' fireworks outside my window (though it's only 9). I just watched a documentary series thingy on Netflix called "Don't F**k With Cats" and it got me thinking about just how wild the internet is. It's a whole nother world, which is fascinating to me. I kind of wish someone would read this someday. I was looking at some of my other posts and I'm so cringy but whatever. I'm young and I have a right to be weird and dumb sooo... Anyway, happy new year! It's going to be 2020 (the year I graduate! :) )

I kind of really wish people actually read my blog. Like yeah it's kind of all over the place and slightly concerning, but it would be nice to think that someone's reading this and enjoying my shitty writing. If you actually read this blog comment to email me at liedowntrynottocrycryalot@gmail.com . Anyway, I've been watching more Netflix since summer break started (like, 3 days ago) and I watched this movie that I really enjoyed. It is called Super Dark Times and it's a thriller. I really enjoyed it. I don't want to rewrite the synopsis so you can read about it here . SP0ILER ALERT! I'm really attracted to that Josh character even though he's a serial killer at the end of the movie. I thought it was fucked up of him to almost kill his best friend who still cared deeply about him, but I still think he was cute. I think the Zach dude was cute too and his mom in the movie is so sweet. The actors in this movie did an amazing job in my opinion and this i...